My Little RocknRolla
by rddrgn
Summary: Everyone knows about the famous RocknRolla Johnny Quid but no one knows about the first girl to fall for his unrelenting charm. Madeline is the daughter of famous gangster Lenny Cole and is as known for her cold exterior as she is for her beauty but with the tragic news of her first love everything is about to change for this gangster prodigy. (Terrible summary but please read) R
1. Chapter 1

"She will always be my fa-vorite line. I sing about her all- the time..."

In my seat beside Archy at the side of the tennis courts I sing an old and fantastic tune. I don't focus on the man who sings it and the pain even just his name brings up and instead focus on a much more entertaining sight. Beyond my blue eyes and black sunglasses is the Councilor running around like a chicken without a head. It was a pathetic sight but father wouldn't let me voice my opinions. He needed me to be his darling little secret weapon-beautiful on the outside and genius on the inside. I was the perfect combination of beauty, brains, and brawn...said father.

I feel no worry that Archy will ask what I am humming; in fact, I'm more than certain he already knows. The thing about Archy and I is that we have always had an understanding. We didn't have to talk because we just understood certain things-one of which is don't interrupt me when I'm humming and don't interrupt him when he's reading the paper. Between his hands is today's news and I don't blame him for wanting to distract himself from the annoying schmoozing we have to do with this guy; I wish I could too.

There is an odd take in of breath and I turn to Archy, brows furrowed around my blue eyes, "Archy, what's wrong?"

"I've got something I think you and your father should see," he states simply. I turn slightly in my chair and narrow my eyes on Father at the bar-God, he was getting so old. I wave him toward us and watch him roll his eyes as he gets to his feet. So, so old and nasty.

"What's wrong now, Maddy?" His voice is soft as he makes it to us and I can't help but feel a slight sting of hatred. He hadn't started using that tone with me until I was eighteen and could be used as a bargaining chip.

"Uncle Arch, has something he needs to show us," I explain, turning back around so I can look at the only real paternal care I've ever had.

"What is it, Arch?" Father questions, placing his hands on the back of Archy's chair.

"Read here," instructs Archy, as he motions to a particular article.

Father takes in the same odd breath before he reads, "Johnny Quid, singer extraordinare, fell off a boat, missing, assumed dead."

"Well, I don't know what to say Len. Madeline,"Arch's voice is a soft whisper I couldn't quite hear anymore.

Now I wasn't listening.

Now I was remembering.

Ten Years Ago...

"Get out of this house and never come back! You crack head!"

"I'd rather be a crack head than a lying fucking rat!"

"Come here you little pie-!"

The front door boomed to a close and vibrated through out the entire house, through out my entirety of bones. I shoved the covers off of me and sprinted after him. I ran past father and past his cold words. I ran outside and slammed the door behind me, just as he had done before me, to Johnny there with his bag, waiting for me. The bags fell with a crunch onto the ground when his eyes landed on me and he ran to meet me half way. He lifted me into his arms and kissed me lovely and when he pulled away my breath was gone from me. I dropped my head onto his shoulder as I cried silently. I held tight, trying to crush him into me so he can hide and never have to leave. So he would never have to leave me.

"Madeline...," his lips pressed against my ear and I shivered, my own body threatening to cave in. He held me back just as tight as he took a fist full of my hair and pressing it against my skull.

"Don't go, Johnny. Don't leave me here all alone," my words were pitiful as I pressed my lips against his neck and begged, "Please!"

"Maddy...I. I have to go," he whispered.

Tears poured from my face in such a way I couldn't understand. The only thing I knew was that I couldn't stay quiet anymore, "Why? Just go and...and tell him you'll stop. Just go to rehab and we'll be together! We'll be together!"

"I can't..." he was shaking his head as he said these words. His fingers caressing my face and cascading through my hair, "Not this time. This time is different. There is no going back now."

"But why?" I cried. "Why can't we go back to how it was?...Johnny I-I love you."

He pulled away so he could smile his flying smile then brought me back in for another embrace. I felt him take in a deep breath of my hair as he whispered against the top of my head, "You will always be my favorite Line."

I shook my head and sadly wrapped my arms around him as I dug my face into his chest. I continued to cry because there was no winning when he was like this. There was nothing when he was like this. I protested, "You'll die out there...alone..."

"I'm not alone," he said with a hopeful, far away tone, "I got you..."

"Not when you're like this. Not when you're out there!" I snapped. I took in a deep breath of him because I could feel him slipping away. He smelled like the rainforest in a sunny day. He smelled like freedom and life-he smelled like my love.

I heard the crunching of gravel beneath wheels as a car pulled up. The horn confirmed my worst suspicion. He pulled away with that terrible smile, "That's for me. I'll see you...later."

He released me so he could grasp his bags once more. As he walked away I knew what that meant. That meant months on end /waiting/. Waiting for a call from the police. Waiting to see his face and name in the obituary. Waiting and wishing for death. I just couldn't do that anymore.

"No!" The word exploded out of me like a shot from a canon. He seemed to freeze into place and like a puppet on a string turn.

The haze was slowly descending as he grasped my words, "What? No what?"

"No, I can't sit and wait for 'later!' For an 'I love you too' that will never come! I can't wait for you to never get clean and to never come back!" I shouted with no care of who was listening, "...If you're not here tomorrow...don't bother ever returning."

My Johnny was replaced by a silent and emotionless being. As if I had not even spoken he opened the car door and dropped his bags inside. I thought I would die right then but once his hands were free he turned around and walked right to me. He placed his hands on either side of my face and kissed me as gently as he did the first time. With his lips on mine I foolishly thought he would belong to me forever. But I should have known Johnny could never belong to anyone. I would have kept my eyes shut as he disappeared from me but I always wanted to stare death in the face, especially my own.

Without another word he got into the car and shut the door behind him. As he drove away in that strangers car I grew years beyond my own age. I had been a child-done childish things and thought childish ways-but that was no more. Without blinking, without breathing, I watched the love of my life leave and realized there was no such thing as love at all. My father had been right all along. I didn't cry and I didn't feel as Johnny drove away. I didn't cry and I didn't feel when he never came back.

Now...

"I-I have to go..." is all I can say as I stand from my seat and grab my things.

"Now where are you going?" Father's voice is just as harsh as it always is in my times of weakness.

"I forgot I had to meet Matthew," I mumble, not looking to Archy or Father though my eyes are well hidden behind my sunglasses, "Meet you back home, yeah."

He nods, "Alright then."

"Bye, Arch," my voice is hardly audible as I walk away from the only eyes that can see what is happening to me.

In an all-knowing voice he calls after me, "Bye, Mad."

I leave the premises in a haze of cracking emotion. I hadn't felt anything in such a long time I feel like I'm going to shatter. I throw my things in the back seat and reach under my seat to find my secret cd case. I open it and feel my eyes watering as my fingers touch his face on the stupid cd covers. He had been declared dead by the media plenty of times before but I only ever heard about it after and never from Archy and never from the respectable paper he reads. This is different. This is real.

Though my eyes water I don't quite cry yet. I can't bring myself to do it. I can't realize the hurricane growing inside of me just yet. I turn to his first CD, my favorite, and touch his young face on the cover. The title was 'My Favorite Line.' It was about me. I put the CD in my stereo and shake as his voice fills my car.

"She will always be my fa-vorite line. I sing about her all- the time."

My hand clutches my chest as I throw myself back into my seat. Johnny is gone. He's really gone this time. And he's never coming back.


	2. Chapter 2

When I reach the cafe my pain is buried as deep as I can manage. I know Matthew is waiting inside and I know my father must have called him. Since he joined my father's crew five years ago my dad has been trying to get us together and it isn't until last year that I decided to listen. Matthew has always been handsome but there has always been something about him I didn't like and didn't understand. The worst part is on paper he's perfect but everything about him feels like a lie. He talks to my dad more than he talks to me, he flirts harmlessly when ever I'm not around, he tells me he loves me and asks me to talk about everything all the time. Our love just feels like a phony.

I park the car in front of the cafe and eject the cd. I slip it back in its place and shove the case under my seat. My fingers caress the face once more of the man I have lost more times than I can count. I take in a deep breath and hide the case under my seat just like I hide everything still touched by him; still untouched by anyone else. I leave my car with the same expression I have used my whole life. No one knows what's inside but they know who's daughter I am so I don't even bother locking the doors after I shut mine.

I walk into the cafe and easily see my bright blonde boyfriend at a table flirting with the waitress. Normally I would walk away and wait for him to run after me but today I am in no mood. Any other day I would adore my own company but I need to forget about Johnny. I need to remind myself of what I've been trying to forget-he is not apart of my life anymore. I walk to the table and take my seat across from him. My hands move to my brown hair to push it out of my face as I order, "Coffee...Black."

I didn't look at her but I could tell she was looking at me. I knew she was about to confront me until one of her friends call over. I can see the waitress' eyes when she realizes who I am but that's not what I want. I don't want my father's name today. Matthew's own blue eyes are tinted with guilt, "I-I was just talking to her it wa-"

"I don't care," I answer honestly, glancing down at the newspaper in front of him. The picture of Johnny breaks my heart all over again. I can't help but to think if I had looked for him. Maybe if I had found him. If I had done something he would still be alive.

"Oh, Maddy," it's as if he realizes just then what I had been looking at. He takes my hands as he sighs, "This must be hard for you."

"I'm fine," I mumble, pulling my hands away. Matthew could never imagine how hard this is for me. To him Johnny had only ever been my stepbrother. To him I only ever loved him like a real brother. To him Johnny was just a crackhead RocknRolla. And to me...to me Johnny was still that boy that left me on the lawn all those years ago. But the truth was no one knows who he is. Not anymore.

The waitress returns with my coffee and a Danish I didn't order. I place my hands around the cup and begin to drink it slowly. I didn't realize how cold I am until the warm liquid begins to fill me. I'm cold. Johnny is dead. I don't know why it's affecting me so much. I hadn't seen him since that one night. I hadn't thought of him since the last time a cd came out, just last year.

"Okay," he sighs with a 'comforting' smile on his lips, "Tonight I am all your's. I'll call Mr. Cole and let him know I can't make it tonight. I'll be busy taking care of you. It'll be just us, in the moonlight, all alon-"

"Johnny's death is not going to get you layed," I snap angrily.

Matthew is silent and I realize what I said may not have been the proper thing to do. Because of my father I never could hang with the boys as most girls could and because of my own heartlessness I could never settle with a man I thought good enough to rock his world. Because of this I am still a virgin but that doesn't mean I have been positively pure. My actions in the bed room have always been for my pleasure only have always dominated whom ever I shared space with. Because of this fact...I know my words were too harsh.

"I-I'm so sorry," I say as I reach over to take his hand. I always liked how big and rough they were, as if they have seen many face and demolished them all. "Matthew, I didn't mean it."

"You don't have to explain yourself," he shakes his head as he gives a light squeeze to my hand, "I'll just say my peace and that's all. No more mention of this. I just think you shouldn't take this so hard. From what I understand John was a bum, a no good crackhead that didn't deserve the life he had. We're all better off with him dead. We don't need anymore shitheads taking our oxygen."

He doesn't notice when I pull my hands away in disgust because he's already picking at my danish. How could he be so cruel? For almost an entire year we had been together and he was never like this. Sure he flirted with the girls and talked to my father more than he talked to me. Sure the only reason I gave him a shot was through my father's order. But he was never this cruel.

"Maddy, we can do whatever you want today. I am all your's," he smiles. He takes my hand again and whispers, "I love you."

Those words had been thrown between us often but now. Now I couldn't let the words leave my throat. I just can't say anything back. His words sound so false. Did they always sound untrue? Or was Johnny's death tainting everything?

"Maddy?" Matthew suddenly takes my hand in a grip I had never felt before. His eyes are so blue and pleading as he begs, "Maddy, no. Don't go."

"I have something I need to finish," I lie as I snatch my hand away, "Something my father told me to do that I just remembered."

Matthew backs off at the mention of my father and I know I am free. In last ditch effort he asks, "Do you need any company?"

"Do I ever need company?" is my honest reply.

He smiles, "You're right. Are we still on for tonight?"

I shrug, "Why not?"

I walk away from that man and out of the cafe that had only succeeded in reminding me of everything I had lost. I get into my car and decide to drive away. I need to clear my mind of the falseness that has always surrounded me. I need to be around people that are always true and always honest. I need to see the Wild Bunch.


	3. Chapter 3

Fifteen years ago...

"Why do we have to move, Daddy?" My question had come in a quiet voice because I had learned at an early age how to speak to him, "It's my birthday. You said when I turn ten we can go to the zo-"

"That's enough," Father had snapped as we pulled up in front of our new home. My mouth turned into a tight line of protest as I gazed at the new place. It had been bigger than our old home but then again I had been used to big houses with empty rooms all my life. My eyes narrowed as the faces of the people in front become clear. I felt a small smile form on my lips as I made out one of the faces: Uncle Archy. Father's voice became clear once more to ruin what ever joy I had begun to feel, "You will be on your best behavior from now on and you will call Marianne 'Mother.' You got that?"

"She isn't my mother," I had muttered under my breath.

A slap I hadn't been prepared for came to my face as Father corrected me, "She's the only 'Mother' that wants you. Now you do as I say or I'll throw you in the mad house."

I wiped at the single tear that fell from my face as the driver got out of the car. I sniffed weakly as I looked out the window, "Okay. Let's go see Mother."

In truth I wasn't okay and I didn't want a new mother but I couldn't take another second in that car anymore. As soon as the door opened I was out and running to Archy. When I got just before him I paused but he gave me his old fashioned smile, "Come on here, Mad. Give us a cuddle."

I could never stay upset for too long in front of him. I threw myself into his arms and he hugged me the way my own father never seemed to be able to. I looked up at him and hoped he would listen to my pleas, "Uncle Archy, will you be staying with us today? Can you take me to the zoo like last year?"

"Archy and I got better things to do today," it was father's voice, ruining something good again. I stepped back from Archy's hug to see the serious expression on his face, "Now go inside. They're waiting for you."

"'They'?" I repeated in confusion.

"You haven't told her?" Archy asked, turning to father with a look of...disappointment?

"I told her what she needed to know," father huffed.

Archy placed his hand on my shoulder and spoke with an excessive cheeriness, "You have a brother now. His name's Johnny. He's a nice boy so /don't/ be /rude/."

I felt like a deer in headlights. How could he not tell me something so important? How could he not tell me? All I can do is nod, "Okay."

"We don't have all day. Let's go," Father rushed, pushing me ahead. I stumble slightly but catch my footing and begin to walk.

I ignore the scary man and look to my only friend, "See you, Arch."

"See you, Mad," he gave me a wink.

I walked through the doors alone but I had been used to that for a while. My eyes jumped from place to place in silent observing. This place was big like our old one and I felt just as lonely. I was sure a new mother and brother couldn't change that. Since the death of my mother I was one hundred percent certain.

"Madeline?"

My eyes looked up to see the most beautiful woman in the world standing before me. She was tall and lovely like an angel. Her hair was long and brown and flowed like a model's. Her skin was beautiful and she had the prettiest, prettiest brown eyes. The dress she wore was white and amazing and I just couldn't believe she could like someone like my dad.

"Why, you are such a beautiful little girl," her voice filled up the air and her smile filled up my heart. She looked to the side as she nodded, "Isn't she, Johnny?"

My eyes followed her's but when they did I regretted it. I couldn't take seeing such beautiful people together at once. He was so handsome he didn't seem real. He had the same brown hair, the same nice skin, the same pretty and shinning brown eyes. I couldn't believe this was my new family. Mother tapped his shoulder and his only response was a shrug.

She gave a truly amused laugh before smiling at me once more, "You're wearing a wonderful little dress. I hear today is your birthday. How old are you?"

"Ten," I answered in the quiet voice I always used.

Her eyes widened with joy, "Johnny is ten as well. Why don't you both go upstairs and play in Johnny's room while I order us some lunch. Then when you're father is done with his business we can have ourselves a nice birthday dinner. Would you like that?"

I tried my hardest to smile but it was actually pretty easy as I nodded. She gently pushed Johnny forward and he smiled at her and then turned his smile to me. He stepped forward as he said, "Follow me."

My steps behind him were slow and nervous because it was a new house and yet it seemed like he had lived there forever. It was all big hallways and big rooms on quiet floors and if it weren't for Johnny I would be afraid. I supposed it would be okay, a big house for two growing children. Especially one as handsome as he that promised to grow bigger. Everything might be okay with a friend in the house.

When we eventually had gotten to his room I stayed still at the door. Boxes lined the room and yet it still felt like his. There was a pause, as if he was expecting me to do something and then there was a flicker of understanding in his eyes. He looked around, almost frantically, until he came across a chair lined with boxes. He removed them and then motioned toward it, "You can sit here."

I gave a brief nod thanks as I moved to sit on the now open seat. It seemed he didn't see my nod because he found interest in looking for something in the boxes so I said vocally, "Thank you."

He gave another shrug as he replied, "No problem. Do you like music?"

The question had been odd but I looked down to answer, "Father doesn't really like music. He doesn't let me listen to the radio so I don't know much about it."

"Oh, I have to fix that," he said with a wicked grin. From the box he pulled a tape and ordered, "Listen to this. It will change your life."

With interest I watched him walk to his cassette player and put the tape in, "What is it? Bach? Mozart? Beethoven?"

His face was adorned with a smug expression,"Even better. Hendrix. Now close your eyes and see with your ears."

"With my ears?" I repeated.

"Yup. If you can hear with your mouth," he added.

It was odd to have the smile on my face, the first I could remember that wasn't false or created by Uncle Archy. I followed his instructions and shut my eyes as the music began to play. It was wild and passionate and loud and happy and it filled me up and shook me hard. I had never heard anything like it, I knew instantly it was bad. I had been about to tell him to shut it off but then he began to sing. His voice was like a new world, beautiful but weird because he was a boy singing a man's words. I didn't quite mind it then and I certainly didn't want him to shut it off. I wondered if that's what love felt like-something bad you just can't bring to end.

"Turn that racket down!" Father's voice was quiet but it shouted through me. I was frozen in terror with each word he spoke, "Madeline, what are you doing in here? And turn that shit off already!"

The music went silent but suddenly Johnny's voice was heard to defend me, "It's not her fault. My mom said we could play."

He took in an angry breath and extended his finger to point between both of us, "Well, you listen to me now. You stay away from my daughter you stupid little ba-"

"Daddy," I interrupted, "Why are you being so mean?"

The smack came again to burn the cheek that had already been in so much pain. My eyes opened and to my surprise I watched Johnny run to him and push him. I couldn't believe my eyes until Johnny got his own smack and father hissed, "Now you both listen to me. I will beat you both and send you to boarding school if I catch you together again. You hear me?"

I held onto my cheek and simply nodded my head in response.

"Now get up and clean yourselves up," he demanded, grabbing me up by my elbow when I didn't move fast enough. He motioned to Johnny, "And you get your ass downstairs to help your mother, she's feeling ill again."

I was back to my miserable world until I heard Johnny's gentle voice, saying, "Bye, Madeline."

I turned around to reply but father yanked me away too hard so all he saw was my smile. I hoped that was enough for him to know how sorry I was he joined this life of mine. I hoped it was enough for him to know how thankful I was to not be in it alone.

Now...

Since the first time I met him Johnny was changing my life and even now he's mixing everything up from beyond the stupid grave. In my car I try to calm the pounding inside of my chest. I try to wait for my eyes to clear from the haze of unfalling moisture. I have to get over this or it will kill me but how can I get over someone I never truly mourned. How can I put to rest someone I never truly accepted was gone?


	4. Chapter 4

With my head spinning I walk on shaking ground to the only place I can really be myself and really have fun. I had been ordered by Father to sit on it for a little while but being the young girl I am I ditched to hang out with some friends. I got in some trouble and the good hearted men of the Wild Bunch saved me and brought me back to the Speeler that was when I met the colorful group and was allowed to stay-as long as I didn't mention any business to my father. Not that I want to brag but when I've got a set of cards in my hand I can't keep money out of my pocket. My finger presses the buzzer in my usual way by holding it down until I get an answer. Fred the Head's voice comes on the other end,"Who the fuck is it?"

"It's Maddy," I answer, unable to hide my smile.

"Are we in trouble?" he asks.

"That depends," I can't help but to smirk, "did you do anything wrong?"

The buzzer sounds and I laugh to myself. Everyone in that place was guilty. I walk down the steps and into the Speeler where all the usual suspects wait. Mumbles, always quick to greet, winks toward me, "Don't you get tired of taking our money?"

"Don't you get tired of losing it?" I retaliate. I ignore the blush his wink produces as I look to Fred, "Deal me in."

He nods,"Righto, Maddy."

I take the seat between my Handsome and Mumbles but I cannot look at anyone but Bob, "How are you?"

He gives me a brief shrug as he looks down at his cards. I had heard through the grape vine he just got pinned on a drug charge. Five years of Handsome Bob's life going down the drain because of some sneaky fucking rat. No one knows who the rat is and for a while I didn't quite care until Arch got pinched. Four years he was gone..that place turned his famous grin into merely a smile. I couldn't imagine what that place would do to a soft golden boy like Handsome.

"You'll be okay," I smile, reaching my hand to grip onto his shoulder gently.

He gives me his nice smile that is as polite as it is sad,"You are something sweet, Maddy."

"Oh, Ms. Cole, is that you again?" Good old Cookie's voice rings through the place, pulling my attention away from Bob.

"Cookie, I thought you were gone," I say with slight confusion, last I heard he was out of the area for some business.

"Can't stay away from you for too long," he winks, "All right chaps?"

"All right, Cookie," Comes the grumble from the boys.

"Want to be dealt in?" Mumbles asks, only mildly interested.

He sighs as he glances around the table, looking a bit conflicted. I can tell he only stopped by for a word with someone but the combination of great players we have is too tempting. He loosens a button on his jacket as he pulls up a chair, "Can't stay for long, but throw us in for a quick spin."

"Maddy, is that you?"

My eyes jump up to see the always good looking One Two. He has appeared from somewhere in the back but if I had known he was here I would have gone to him first. I lift my face as he places a kiss at the top of my head and I answer, "Always is."

He makes a point of roughing up my hair before turning the second member of the crew, "Mumbles, can I have a word with you?"

Their flamer banter begins and I-like all the others-have a good laugh, which is something I needed. Mumbles puts down his cards and chases after One Two. No doubt it's about work and I don't mind. The rules are: as long as their business was unheard my presence was undocumented. I plan on keeping it that way.

I return my gaze to the table and see all the fellas are looking at me in that weird way people do. I ask, "What's wrong?"

"We heard about what happend," Fred the Head says, the ends of his eyes drooping downward.

I immediately drop my eyes down to my cards. I should have expected someone to bring it up. Everyone here knew about my past with him, only people in the outside world didn't. as I shrug, "I haven't seen him in fifteen years. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" it's Bob who is first to decipher my lie. "We could talk about it if you want? I could take you for a ride. Clear your mind."

I smile as I press my lips to the gentleman's cheek,"Bob you are too good for anyone. Man or Woman."

I find myself enjoying the sight of his blush but he recovers too soon,"Thank you. You know, you're too good for that scum Matthew."

I put my cards down on the table,"That's where I go."

Although I'm not crazy about Matthew he is still my boyfriend and my choice. I don't like people disagreeing with my choices. Handsome grabs my hand before I can step away, "Now you sit down. I wont say another word."

I plop back down in my seat and roll my eyes over in Cookie and Fred's direction, "I bet you two have something on your minds, as well."

They zip their lips and throw away the key. I burst into an uncontrollable laughter that feels so odd I don't know how to stop. Unfortunately someone else finds a way. My phone goes off and I roll my eyes; it's my father. I look around, "Shut up! Shut up!"

The music stops and I answer the phone. My father's voice booms in the air, "Now, where the hell are you?"

"What do you mean, Father? Is something wrong?" I asks in my pretend innocent voice.

"I got Matthew here, askin me to take you off the business I got you on. Last time I checked, I didn't have you on any business!" he yells into my ear.

"I'm sorry but I just needed a momment to myself. Matthew was being way too friendly for the occasion. I needed time, I mean. You read the article yourself," I reply in a quiet voice.

"I told you not to mention that again," he hisses.

"Well, I'm sorry. I can't help it,"I explain.

"Alright you take some time to yourself. And you get over this. He was a no good cr-"

"I know, I know..." I interrupt, tired of hearing that about him.

"You calm yourself now...Then you come on home. You hear?" His voice is gentle and kind but I find myself despairing it all over again. Where was this kindness when I was young and needed it the most?

"Yes, Father," I recite the usual line.

"And you better not be at the Speeler!"

I shut the phone on that note and blush as I shove it in my pocket. I look to the others and sure enough they mimic and shout, "'And you better not be at the Speeler!'"

"Shut up!" I snap, sticking my tongue out.

"That's not very lady like, now is it?" Fred comments with a playful frown.

I stick up my middle finger, "Good thing I'm not a lady."

There is a bout of laughter that enters the room until Cookie breaks the mood, "He had class, your boy."

"He hasn't been my boy in a while," I snap.

"He will always be your boy,"Cookie sighs. I don't know what about his words make my heart beat so fast but it does.

One Two and Mumbles return and take a seat at the table. Mumbles picks up his cards while One Two grabs his own. He gestures to me with his chin, "What brings you down to the slums on this fine afternoon?"

I shrug, "I figured today was as good as any other to take your 'hard earned money'."

"Don't you always?" One Two asks, a heavy sigh departing from his lips. There is something about the way he says it that reminds of Johnny and I find that pain I has been hiding coming forward all over again.

I look away but my eyes land on Cookie who seems to be swollen with unspoken words, "Don't you look like a fountain of words looking for a break."

"You know how hard it could be keeping your feelings inside. Especially ones that could make situations..."he put his cards down softly to reveal his amazing hand,"...ackward."

I let out a soft giggle as I place my cards down before them to show an even better one. The men grumble and but I just laugh, "You take those ackward feelings and my 'hard earned money' and hand it all overto Handsome over here. I will see you another day."

"Now, where do you think you are going?" Mumbles asks.

I sigh as I stand and press a kiss to Bob's head, "Matthew awaits."

I walk around the table, placing kisses on everyone's head. One Two sighs, "You know you can do better than that scum."

"Oh, don't I," I smirk, winking at Bob. "Now I bid you all farewell."

I turn my back and walk away to let their goodbyes fall behind me. I leave the Speeler just as quickly as I came. I get into my car and pull the case from under my seat. My heart shivers as I open it to his face. I let my fingers cascade over his face.

Cookie's words invade my mind.

"He will always be your boy."

He will always be my boy.


	5. Chapter 5

Fourteen Years Ago...

"Why does Mommy have to go?"

My question had been hidden behind an angry face because I did not want cry. I had been holding the teddy bear she bought be for my birthday because I didn't want to hear the answer. It had the softest brown fur and the largest blue eyes. In its butt was a secret compartment that held the lovely card mommy had given me and the secret money Archy had snuck under my pillow and the tape Johnny had forced me to keep. I wanted to hide in that secret compartment with the people I loved and the things they gave me-without my dad.

"Your Mum is sick,"Archy's voice is steady like when he had taught me how to ride a bike.

"Why can't she see a doctor? Like my doctor?" I had asked. My eyes focused up on him to watch Archy's face.

"Well, your doctor is for little girls. Your Mum is not a little girl," Archy tried to explain.

I rolled my eyes at his sugar coat, "I'm not a baby, Uncle Archy. I know. Why doesn't she see an adult doctor closer to us? Why does she have to stay so far away?"

"Because the hospitals around here are too small," he had a smile on his face as if he were so clever with his words.

"Archy," I had whispered. My eyes were narrowed on the side of his face beside me because I needed to know. I held the teddy bear close as I asked, "Is she going to die? Is it my fault all of them go?"

"Now you stop right there, Mad," his voice was stern but not harsh, "You take those thoughts right out of your head and you throw them to the birds."

I nodded my head because that was all I could do. He had confirmed my worst fears by not confirming anything at all. A thought popped into my mind, brief and wordless, and I forced myself to turn around although my seatbelt hurt. I looked back to Johnny who had been sleeping so peacefully-an obvious lie because since mum had become sick he could hardly sleep at all. I returned my eyes to Archy with seriousness, "Will Johnny stay with us? Always?"

"I don't know," his voice was long and drawn out as if the real answer had been 'no' all along.

Tears filled my eyes as I watched his face become stiff, "I don't want him to leave, Archy, I want him to stay."

"I'll see what I can do, "Archy said in his hushing voice. He patted my head, "Now you get some shut eye. We've got a long way to go."

Six Months Later...

In my prettiest black dress I held onto my bear and held in my tears. Beside me was Johnny who couldn't be as tough as me. I had already been to a mother's funeral, this was his first. My eyes narrowed in on our mommy that laid sleeping at the end of the aisle. The coffin she rested in was sleek and pearl and fitted perfectly to her specific requests. It was beautiful, just like her.

Or just like she was.

That was it. Half way down the aisle my tears began to flow. She was dead and I had to pause because of it. I had lost another mother and there was no one left to care for me. Mother's were supposed to make you feel loved and she did. But all I could think was how no one would love me anymore.

That was until Johnny took my hand. In his grief I had decided to leave him alone. My father had never taught me how to deal with sadness and so I just shut down. But with his face covered in tears he extended his hand to me and we were together in our despair. Uncle Archy behind us gently pushed us forward to our sleeping mother. I could feel my skin and my hands getting colder but Johnny didn't say anything. He didn't pull away.

When we reached her, father was already waiting. I released Johnny's hand and stood next to him on the steps. Johnny turned his back to us. I knew he wasn't ready to see; he would never be ready to see.

I stood at the side and looked over the edge to what laid inside. On her lips was her favorite shade of pink and her brown hair flowed around her head with little flowers tucked into the strands. She had on a lovely black dress made of lace. I thought it must be new because I had never seem it before. She looked so simple, as if she were just sleeping. I wanted to wake her up, why couldn't she just wake up?

Father guided me away from my place and it was Johnny's turn to gaze inside. My heart nearly shattered at the sight of his crumbling face. He reached in to touch her arm, as if to waken her as he had done many times before, but she did not stir. I wiped at my eyes as he cried harder. I stepped forward to comfort him but father beat me to it. He yanked Johnny's arm as he hissed, "Be a man and suck up those tears."

"Don't you think that's a bit much, Len? He just lost his mum," Arch spoke, coming to John's defense.

"It's never too early to teach a boy to be a man," was my father's only response.

Johnny yanked his arm away and walked over to my side. My hand instinctively grasped his so I could guide him down the steps to our seat. Although I had the nod that Johnny would live with us I wasn't sure if I could keep my sanity in my father's house. As if he knew what I was thinking, Johnny squeezed my hand and gave me a defiant look. We could make it, his look said, we could survive.

Now...

My father's house is the same home that Johnny and I used to live in and yet it always seems so foreign. It's been the same since I was ten-same locks, same codes, same guards, same everything. The only thing that's changed is me and John.

I step out of my car and make my across the drive way. It's such an empty house.


	6. Chapter 6

Thirteen Years Ago...

I had been hiding behind the door that connected our rooms so I could watch one of Johnny's many performances. It had become a custom for me to watch and laugh in hiding. If he knew I was there he would stop for good and I didn't want that. I wanted to watch the practice. In front of his mirror he sang but I knew he was millions of miles away on stage for millions of people. I knew he could do it. He had talent. He had class.

His voice sang loud above his music, "He just loved to live that way, He loved to steal your money, Some is ri-"

A torpedo stormed into the room and behind it a tornado of anger and hatred. My father shut off the music with his face so red. Johnny turned still with his toy sax still in his hand. I shut my eyes before the smack came but still the sound resonated through out me. I opened my eyes and there Johnny was staring with fire where his pupils had been. I hated when they both looked so angry.

"Now listen to me boy. Listen. I never did like you and niether did your real dad. Your a reject, a wrong, and a fucking fairy in the mirror that I inherited from your mum. But she ain't with us no more. It's just you, Madeline, and me. Now next week you're going back to school, the most expensive fucking school in this country I might add, and then you'll be gone for a whole term," his voice was harsh and loud and shook through the entire room and my core. How could he be so cruel, "In the mean time show some fucking gratitude and keep the fucking music down!"

Father turned his back to Johnny and walked his way out of the room. A sigh of relief had escaped my lips. Father was known for ruling his men with an iron fist and his home was no different. If that was the end of it Johnny would be safe. I opened the door slightly wider with the hopes of comforting Johnny and confirming Father's words were a lie but he had other plans.

Once the door shut behind Father, Johnny stood with vengeance in his eyes. He was too focused to know I was there as he lifted his toy sax and turned the stereo on to full volume. He glared at the door and shouted with all his might,"Some is rich and some is poor and that's the way the world is! And I don't believe in lying back and saying how bad your life is!"

It was like a horror movie the way Father opened the door and undid his belt. I couldn't watch the rest. I shut the door and ran to my bed where I hid under the blankets with my eyes shut and my ears shielded. I could just make out the sound of leather on skin.

I waited until the muffled music behind my hands shut off before i crawled from my bed. The door slammed soon after and after that came his heavy footsteps. I crawled to the door once more, making sure to be tiny and quiet in all the ways Father had taught me. Johnny was on the ground curled in a fetal position but when he saw me he sat up quick and tried to wipe his tears and ignore his wounds. I kneeled beside him and wrapped my arms around his head and pulled him into my chest. I stroked at his hair gently and he didn't flinch away from me. He wrapped his arms around my middle and held me close as I held him. I rubbed his head as he cried, he only ever cried in front of me.

Now...

The sound of a door slamming wakes me from my not so deep slumber. I get to my feet quickly and step into my slippers as I grab my robe and tie it around myself. I grasp my gun from my bed side table and slip it into my robe pocket. Silently I pad my way into the hallway to listen to what's going on. Even from my room I can hear voices in my father's study.

I walk to the voices and am just in time to hear Arch's best line,"If a slap don't work you cut him or you pay him, but you keep the recite 'cause this ain't the mafia."

The troops pile out past me, making sure to keep their heads down. I can count on my hands in fond remembrance how many slaps Archy dolled out for inappropriate glancing when I was in my robe. I furrow my brows, "Archy, what's all this for?"

"Your father's painting was stolen," he answers simply. That's all that needs to be said.

"The one Uri gave him?" I ask with wide eyes. I was there as eye candy when he gave it to him. Always a possibility but never a certainty, I was.

"Right, oh," he sighs, lifting his hand up to rub his neck uncomfortably.

"Do you needed my help?" is my next question. God knows I can use a distraction.

He smiles and pats my head like he always does, "Don't trouble yourself, darling. Get back to bed. You've had a rough day."

"That obvious?" I give him a sheepish look that doesn't bother to hide my fatigue.

"Don't worry. Only to those who know you best," he pacifies and for the first time since the news came out I can see the sadness creep into his features, "It's alright, love. The way he was going...it's probably for the best what happened to him."

Anger pulses through me as I glare at the ground. My control is beyond me so my tone is harsh, "Because he was a crack head?"

"Because you and I knew him best," his voice catches my attention and I look into his eyes and see seriousness, "What do you think the real Johnny was doing inside him while he was cracking up? He was dying. There're things we could've done and there're things we couldn't. We'll never know where our actions lie."

My arms wrap around Archy in a tight hug that catches him by surprise. He sighs and gives his nice chuckle. I look to him and smile weakly, "I love you, Arch."

"I love you too, Mad," He grins. I pull away and see. his sticky fingers had snatched my gun in the seconds it took to embrace, "Now what were you planning on doing with this?"

I grin, "'There are things we can do and things w-'"

"Aye, don't be cheeky," he says, making me laugh. He puts the gun down on Father's desk and begins to mush around some papers. I wonder what happened to make my Father the leader and not this great man. It should be him, "Now, there're some friends of yours that've offered a wealthy sum to make something disappear. What should we do about it?"

My eyes shoot open because I know who he's talking about. He talking about making Handsome's paper work vanish in that mysterious way they know how. I smile so wide my lips my burst from my face but I lower it and try to look calm and nonchalant, "I say...if you got a black hat, why not pull a rabbit out of it?"

He winks, "I knew you'd say that. Now get outta here."

I nod my head, "Gladly."


End file.
